There are car guys and truck guys. I’m not exactly a car guy. Car guys like to drive fast and look good doing it. A lot of professed truck guys are actually car guys in disguise — they like shiny, handsome trucks that go fast and get the attention of a certain type of woman. I’m a bit of a truck guy, but the real kind, that’s concerned with function over form.

In the simplest terms a truck is a wheeled platform used to move heavy stuff. The earliest trucks were animal-drawn carts. There are hand trucks. There are motorized trucks — what most people think of as a truck today. There are semi trucks, in which, in most cases, the trailer is technically the truck, which is pulled by a tractor or power unit — the horse that pulls the cart. A piano dolly is a truck. A skateboard is not a truck, but it has two trucks attached to it, which carry the board itself. A pickup truck is a truck, but many people use them as passenger vehicles, which is not their intended purpose and is an inefficient way to transport people. A cargo van is a truck, but a passenger van is not; a van is essentially a wheeled box, so there are van trailers and rail cars in addition to motorized vans. Some vans are trucks, and some trucks are vans; which one we call them generally has to do with the shape of the hood, which incidentally has nothing to do with the actual definition or function of the equipment.

As a truck guy, I’m concerned with moving heavy loads, so I’m interested in things like cargo volume, payload and tow capacity, horsepower, torque, and what it will cost to get a load from A to B. Reliability is far more important to me than looks.

As a truck guy, I also like SUVs, but SUVs — sport utility vehicles — are not trucks. An SUV is to a pickup truck what a passenger van is to a cargo van. It is, in a way, a hybrid vehicle, combining certain aspects of trucks with aspects of cars: the ability to haul passengers (the utility part), and the ability to get to places you couldn’t go in a car (the sport part).

Unfortunately, in the same way that car guys disguise themselves as truck guys, despite having no actual need of a truck, minivan moms became SUV moms, hoping to shed the ‘soccer mom’ stigma. They succeeded instead at creating a stigma around the SUV. They did this by only using them on paved roads, never towing anything, and needlessly guzzling fuel in the process; SUVs became symbols of narcissistic excess. In fairness, maybe they thought the ‘sport’ in SUV referred to youth sports, as in ‘a utility vehicle for transporting children to and from sporting events and practices’. Obviously this would be very stupid, but I’ve learned not to underestimate people’s stupidity.

Regardless of how and why it happened, the SUV’s bad reputation led to the creation of yet another hybrid vehicle — what in animal breeding we refer to as an F2 hybrid — the crossover. A crossover is half SUV, half car, but as the SUV was already half car, a crossover is 75% car. In animal breeding, an F2 hybrid can lose all the advantageous traits of one of its purebred grandparents, and this is the case with crossovers. They’re just cars. Ugly, ugly cars. Specifically, they’re station wagons. Station wagons are cars that seat more passengers than a sedan, and have a cargo area in the back. That’s what crossovers are. They’re less roomy than SUVs, they are intended for paved roads (I’ve taken them off-road and they are not up to it), and they have smaller payload and tow capacities. They get better fuel economy though, so the soccer moms don’t have to feel guilty about driving them. That said, a modern sedan gets better mileage still, and it’s barely smaller.

For better or worse, market trends, not people’s actual needs, rule the day, and as far as car manufacturers are concerned, and as we transition to electric vehicles, SUVs are on the way out, and crossovers are in. But all a crossover is crossing over is the line between a car and a truck, and the boundaries of aesthetic acceptability. Seriously, they are all so, so ugly. In the spirit of accurate representation, can we give crossovers a different name? Four-door hatchback? Tall station wagon? Sportless Utility Vehicle?

I’m all for electric vehicles, especially as the technology improves. I’m looking forward to the day that one will actually meet my needs and my budget. I’d love to have one for a running-around car right now, but all I could possibly afford is an older Nissan Leaf, and I wouldn’t be able to take one on a typical shopping trip — the only scenario where I’d actually save some money and fuel. The places I go are just too far apart, but the tech is coming along. I’m hoping to get an EV within the next five years or so, but what I’d really like is a vintage SUV with a modern electric motor.

Now, as promised, the porn: here are some of my favorite, real SUVs, and a few words about why I like them:

Toyota Land Cruiser 40 Series

These are my all-time favorites, and the diesel-powered version, the BJ40, gets phenomenal fuel economy. These put the U in SUV, but they also look cool as hell. This is my ultimate expedition vehicle: short wheelbase, easy to maintain and upgrade, parts available all over the world. There are troop carrier and pickup versions as well. I’ll take all three please.

Toyota Land Cruiser 70 Series

I first saw these in the pickup configuration in Nicaragua almost twenty years ago, and I immediately loved them. They’re not street legal in the US unless they have the emissions exemption for older vehicles, so if I’m ever going to drive a new one I’ll have to move abroad. I actually prefer the pickup version, but that’s not at all a criticism of the SUV.

Mercedes Benz G Class

Mercedes is pretty hoity-toity, but the G Class has solid off-road credentials, and it’s a good-looking automobile. (Obviously I have a type.) There are older models to be found with a little less of the luxury add-ons and plenty of capability. The obvious downside of a Mercedes is the repair cost when it breaks down, plus in certain parts of the world it can make you look like a good person to rob.

International Harvester Scout II Traveler

All the Scouts are cool, but the Scout II Traveler is probably my first choice in an American-made SUV. It features a removable hard top and third row seating. If I had one in my garage I don’t think the top would ever be on it.

Ford Bronco

The Bronco is another top pick, and the older the better, but even a ‘90s Bronco is a prize in my opinion. I have zero interest in the reboot; frankly, if Ford hadn’t ruined the Explorer by turning it into a crossover, the new Bronco could just be the new Explorer. Or maybe the old Explorer would have just been the Bronco if OJ hadn’t taken that historic ride with Al Cowlings.

There are plenty of other contenders that could have made this list. I’m not a big Jeep or Land Rover fan, not that I have anything against either of them. The Chevy Blazer is pretty cool, and I like the older Suburbans. I kind of hate Nissan, but the Pathfinder isn’t too bad. There are other Toyotas I’d be happy to drive. There are lots of respectable SUVs out there; it’s just that, in my opinion, none of them quite measure up to the five vehicles I’ve listed here. If I was a rich guy I would definitely be a collector. I’m also not above taking handouts.